Sleeping Through The Night

There are so many things in parenting that society judges us by, or so it seems. For babies, one of the most common questions that feels like stabby judgement is what I like to call The Question Of Dread - you know it: "So is he sleeping through the night yet?" Alternately: "Is she a good sleeper?/Is she a good baby?" As if a baby who doesn't sleep much is somehow misbehaving and "bad" or in need of discipline.

Now, I know in my mind that it's usually just a conversation point - it's not like someone is going to ask me if my 8 month old can read or ask about his latest endeavors in scientific advancement. There just aren't very many topics of polite conversation regarding babies and sleep is a universal. I get it. Still, it can feel an awful lot like they are really asking in order to categorize me as a good or bad parent. When the answer is "Oh, he's nursing every three hours or so, but I sleep through most all of it." part of me feels like I've just thrown my baby (my very very good baby, thank you) under the bus and gotten myself run over by it too.

Here's the thing, though, my child's sleep habits are not a reflection on my parenting and neither are yours. There are some babies who sleep through the night very early on, my dear dear friend has three children who all started sleeping 8-10 hours at 6 weeks old. There are some who sleep through the night at the published average of 3-6 months. There are some who won't sleep through the night for somewhere between six months old and significantly later. THEY ARE ALL NORMAL.

Your baby is an individual with individual needs. As long as you are listening and responding to those needs you are an excellent parent, talk yourself out of feeling judged when your answer to the Question of Dread is "Nope, not yet."

Quite the opposite of my friend mentioned above, I was blessed with three children with ..... excellent stamina. They are just not sleepers. For whatever reason that is not part of who they are - I can relate, I am also not a sleeper. After five years, I have finally come to terms with the reality here. The idea that we categorize babies who sleep a lot or readily are "good" and babies who do not are "bad" is inaccurate. The truth is that "good sleepers" are babies who are convenient for their parents and "bad sleepers" are less so. Maybe it makes me weird, but I did not choose to have babies for convenience nor did I expect motherhood to be convenient and so I should not be allowing a little inconvenience make me feel like I am doing a bad job. (Please do not be misled. I do totally whine when I get very little sleep - that doesn't make me a bad mom either.)

I recently had a friend ask me for how to get her 12 month old to sleep in her crib (without a night full of meltdowns) since keeping her in their bed was turning into an all night nursing session. There are some particular challenges that come when your baby doesn't sleep through the night on the early-ish side. A one year old is far more active when awake and can psyche themselves out of sleeping even when they are tired - while nursing or bouncing them to sleep was a great option when they were younger sometimes these options are not as feasible any more; or having a family bed is no longer what's best for your family and you'd like to encourage your child to sleep somewhere else. With some patience, ingenuity, patience, and more patience you will find what works best for your child.

The real key is thinking outside the box! If your baby has always needed some extra care and attention to get to sleep - don't expect her to be able to make an about face overnight. In fact, it may be years that she needs a little extra love at bed time. That is also TOTALLY NORMAL but it doesn't mean you can't transition her to her crib or get some alone adult time in the evenings. It does mean you need to get a little creative to get it done. In answer to my friend's question, these are some ideas for older babies:

• Bedtime routine then rock, sing, bounce her to sleep and I mean floppy/snoring/comatose asleep. When you think she's out wait 5 more minutes.Then set her down in her *warmed* bed. Use flannel sheets on her crib and warm them up with a hot water bottle or rice sock.  (If she usually falls asleep nursing in your bed, then get her asleep on a small blanket then transfer her on the blanket, Sea World dolphin transfer style, to keep a little more continuity for her) Since she's one, you could even use one of the pillowcases from your bed so her's smells familiar and comfortable. You can, ever so gradually, put her in her bed more awake until you lay her down awake and sing her to sleep then eventually sing to her and leave. 
• Bed time routine, then into bed sleepy but awake and sit next to her crib in the dark until she falls asleep. Add singing, reading, shushing as needed. Moving a little closer to the door every couple of nights until you are sitting in the doorway/hallway for her to fall asleep - eventually being able to put her in bed and remind her "I'm just outside the door" then leave the room
• Quit the crib. Babyproof her room (be meticulous!) and trade out her crib for a twin sized mattress on the floor. Treat this as you would your bed - however you get her to sleep in your bed do in her new bed (nurse, lay with your eyes closed, whatever) then when she's asleep get up and leave. Eventually easing her into laying down and going to sleep on her own. This has the added benefit of letting you lay and nurse her in her own bed in the middle of the night as she needs, then getting up and leaving, preventing her from nursing all night because she can. I would recommend getting a very good monitor so that her rustling will wake you up. 
• If you want to keep her in your bed, switch spots with your husband. Push the bed against a wall or get a bed rail - then, when she's asleep put your husband between you and the baby. Let him pat/sing/shush/cuddle her when she rustles and wants the comfort from nursing. 
• My babies did not really like food until they were around 18 months old, so they would wake up genuinely hungry at night and nurse not just for comfort. I wanted to mention that because "the books" would have you believe that no baby needs to eat at night after 6 months and that is simply not true. You know your baby, if it's hunger feed her - remember, she hasn't read the books, she doesn't know she "shouldn't" be hungry at night. 

There are plenty of other variations of "think outside the box" here - if none of the ones I listed fit the bill for your baby, I'm certain you can find what works. Just keep her/his needs in mind - most of all babies (of all ages) need you to hear and respond to their needs, to love them, and to make them feel safe and secure. You're all they've got and they don't read baby books. 

Don't let a non-stereotypically "good baby" (ugh) make you doubt yourself as a parent. If nothing else, then you get The Question of Dread just proudly respond "She/He's absolutely perfect, thank you!" because that's all they need to know.

12 Month Old Henry, sleeping. It did happen, sometimes.